How to Manage Former Peers

There are two ways you may find yourself in a management role:

You're hired to lead a team you've never worked on before (either as a new hire from the outside or as a promotion from a different team)
You're promoted to manage your current team

In some respects, the second path is easier. If you've been handed the reins of your current team, you understand the process, the people, and the work.

Sounds like a recipe for success, right?

But getting promoted to manage your peers comes with a handful of unique challenges, especially if you have friends on the team or there was someone else on the team who competed with you for the role you now hold.

Twice in my career, I've been tapped to manage my current team, and I immediately faced a slew of complex questions: Should I grab beers after work with team members? Should I participate in non-work-related conversations I overhear on the team? How could I maintain and develop my friendships without showing favoritism?

Setting Ground Rules

Every leader’s solution to these questions is slightly different. I won't presume to tell you how you should handle these situations. However, I strongly believe it’s in your best interest to create some personal ground rules for how you want to interact with the team.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself about your interactions:

Happy hours: It’s common for teams to get together after work to grab drinks and socialize. When those situations arise, do you want to join? If you do, how many drinks will be your max?
Social media: Are you going to be Instagram or Facebook friends with your team members? If you do decide to connect with employees online, what will you do if you see one of them post something controversial or sensitive (a complaint about the company, an offensive comment, a lewd joke, etc.)?
Sharing information: As the saying goes, “Knowledge is power.” If you only share information about upcoming company changes with certain team members, other team members will view that as favoritism. How are you going to communicate in a way that doesn’t create a knowledge imbalance on your team?
Talking about work outside work: Will you discuss work topics with colleagues outside work? If so, how will you disengage from the conversation if someone begins sharing company rumors and gossip?
Conflicts of interest: What situations can you foresee that could be a conflict of interest based upon your close friendships? What systems will you put in place to fairly determine compensation for those on your team? When will you involve other leaders as a second check on your decisions to ensure you’re not showing favoritism?

Above all, seek to be fair and recognize that your actions have consequences. Like it or not, people will be watching how you conduct yourself. Be mindful of that and consider how your actions could be perceived within your team.

Regardless of what you decide for your ground rules, remember that this management role magnifies your actions. People watch what the manager does and often mimic what they see. Strive to be equitable so your actions are above reproach.

You can also ask other managers how they’ve handled the transition to leading a team for the first time. Find out what ground rules they set for their interactions. If you want, you can try those ground rules for a couple of months, then make changes based on what you’ve learned.

Managing Your Friends

If you have friends on the team, it can make your job doubly hard because you don’t want to give the perception of favoritism. Everyone on the team must be treated fairly, and it’s important no one thinks you’re playing favorites.

You also don’t want to come down harder on your friends just to avoid that perception, so you often feel like you’re in a double bind.

Even if you’re not consciously favoring your friends on the team, be mindful of the implicit ways you may be treating them differently. Are you sharing information with them before you share it with anyone else? Did you talk to one of them about the company merger before it was officially announced? Are you giving them desirable projects that other people on the team would want?

One of the times I had to manage former peers, two of my best friends were in my department. I wanted to make sure we'd not only sustain a productive working relationship but also a tight friendship outside work, so I decided on a few ground rules to guide my interactions:

Inside work: I'd treat them like any other co-worker and not talk about our interactions outside work (so as not to make others feel uncomfortable).
Outside work: I'd allow myself to talk about work with them, but if the conversation turned negative about the company or an individual coworker, I would disengage and change topics.
Both inside and outside work: I wouldn't share non-public information with them.

I also talked to both of these friends and called out the elephant in the room: our working dynamic had changed a bit since I was now running the department, so we all needed to be mindful of that. We had a mature conversation about it and left on the same page, knowing that we couldn’t interact the same way at work that we used to, but that we’d still be every bit as close outside of work (and we were).

You need to determine where your friendship ends and where the working relationship begins. Be thoughtful and equitable when managing teams that contain friends.

Working with the Person Who Didn’t Get the Job

You likely had to compete—explicitly or implicitly—with someone else on the team for the role you have now. If that’s the case, it’s possible your colleague who didn’t get the job is feeling less-than-stoked about the fact that you’re now their boss.

They may not respect you yet as the manager of the team, and that’s okay. From their perspective, you’re still a painful reminder that they didn't get the promotion. Give them time, and go out of your way to include them however you can.

Right now, that person may see you as an adversary, and it’s your job to turn them into an ally. The best way to do that is to take the first step to reach out to them and make it clear that you depend on their talent and expertise.

Schedule a 1-on-1 with them and clear the air by acknowledging the obvious: “I know you wanted the manager role, and I’m really sorry that it didn’t work out. I think you’re an incredible colleague and I want to work together to support you in any way I can.”

Find ways to utilize them as a leader on the team. Tell them you want to work together to make the team even better. Admit you don’t have all the answers and that you’ll need to work together to solve tough problems. Exhibiting humility like this will help them know you see them as a colleague rather than as a subordinate.

“How Can I Get People to Follow Me?”

It’s easy to get stuck on this question, but it’s generally the wrong question. Worrying about making others follow you turns your focus inward (on you) when your focus should be outward (on your team).

A better question to ask is, “How can I help my team members do their jobs and attain their goals?”

The more you focus on helping others, the more they’ll want to follow you.

John Maxwell’s book The 5 Levels of Leadership offers a useful framework. Maxwell says people follow leaders for one of five reasons:

Position — Because they have to
Permission — Because they want to
Production — Because of what you have done for the organization
People Development — Because of what you have done for them personally
Pinnacle — Because of who you are and what you represent

Each of these reasons represents a new “level” of leadership, with the fifth being the highest and most desirable level.

Leaders often move through these levels in a linear fashion, and many never reach “Level 5 leadership.” That’s because reaching the pinnacle of leadership requires knowing who you are and what you value. It requires making tough decisions, such as upholding your principles even when doing so endangers short-term results.

Leaders with strong convictions and ethics inspire others to follow them, regardless of their background, experience, or past accomplishments.

What “level” have you attained in the way you’re leading your team?
Why are your peers following you?

Practical Tips for Managing Former Peers

In short, managing former peers isn't easy but it is doable. As you embark on this new role, keep these three practical tips in mind:

Don’t let your new position go to your head. Yesterday you were their colleague; now you’re their boss. Sometimes that type of change can inflate your ego. Remember that leadership is about serving people, not about being in charge.
Determine how you want to behave as a manager. Decide whether you need to modify any of your current behavior. Will you be the type of manager who’s friendly and impersonal, or will you be more straight-laced and professional? What type of personal ground rules will you follow?
If someone else wanted the job, look for opportunities to help them take on big projects. Reaffirm the value they bring to the team. Find ways to help them grow and advance their career. If they’ve never gotten much attention or support from past managers, you can immediately gain credibility by showing you’re on their side. Even though they’ll still be disappointed they didn’t get the promotion, ideally, they’ll feel like their career is in a better spot with you as their manager.