Book Summary: “The Let Them Theory”

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Book: The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Reviewer: Bobby Powers

My 3 Biggest Takeaways

"If you're struggling to change your life, achieve your goals, or feel happier, I want you to hear this: The problem isn't you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people...We all do it, often without realizing it. You make the mistake of thinking that if you say the right thing, everyone will be satisfied."
LET THEM -> "The Let Them Theory is about freedom. Two simple words—Let Them—will free you from the burden of trying to manage other people. When you stop obsessing over what other people think, say, or do, you finally have the energy to focus on your own life."
- "Imagine you're at work, and your colleague is in a bad mood. Instead of letting their negativity affect you, just say Let Them. Let them be grumpy. It's not your problem. Focus on your work and how you feel."
- "Or maybe your dad makes another comment about your life choices, and it hits you like a brick. Instead of letting it ruin your day, just say Let Him. Let him have his opinions. They don't change who you are or what you've accomplished or your right to make decisions that make you happy."
- "The truth is, other people hold no real power over you unless you give it to them."
LET ME -> "The Let Them Theory isn't just...Let Them. Yes, it begins with these two words, but that's not the whole story. *Let Them* is just the first half of the equation. There is a second, even more crucial step to this theory: Let Me."
- "When you say Let Me, you take responsibility for what YOU do next. What I love about Let Me is that it immediately shows you what you can control."
- "It's about giving other people the space and the grace to live their lives—and then giving yourself the same."
- "There is always a next move."
- "You are never stuck. That's a lie you tell yourself. You can leave a job, a relationship, a living situation, a date, an interview, or a conversation anytime you want to."

"What is stopping you from doing what you need to do or living your life the way you want to live it? What are you afraid of?
I was shocked when I discovered the answer for myself: It was other people. Or rather, how I was letting other people impact me. I was spending too much time and energy managing or worrying about other people. What they do, what they say, what they think, how they feel, and what they expect from me.
The reality is, no matter how hard you try or what you do, you cannot control other people. And yet, you live your life as if you can. You live as though, if you say the right things, people will like you. If you keep taking on more work, your boss will respect you. If you act in the right way, and cater to what your mom wants, and also keep your friends happy, somehow you'll find peace. You won't." -Mel Robbins

Selected Quotes & Ideas from the Book

Mel's "5 Second Rule": When she struggles to find motivation to complete a difficult task, she counts back from 5 like a NASA countdown to a mission launch.
- "I remember what a revelation it was when I thought to myself, Wait a minute, I can feel horrible and still do what I need to do? Yes, Mel, you can. And it worked."
- "So, I began counting backward, 5-4-3-2-1 anytime there was something I needed to do...but I didn't feel motivated to do it."
- "I started calling this countdown technique the '5 Second Rule.' It's so simple: The moment you have an instinct to act, you have to physically move within five seconds, or your brain will talk you out of it. Just start counting backward—5-4-3-2-1 and move. Take action before hesitation kicks in."
- "And the best part? Once you start moving, it's way easier to keep going."
"Small, consistent action changes everything."
She decided to make a career change to become a motivational speaker.
- Year 1 = 17 paid speeches
- Year 2 = 47 paid speeches, was able to quit her day job
- Year 3 = 99 paid speeches plus a 24-city tour with JPMorganChase
- She became the most-booked female speaker in the world, on the road 150 days/year.
Her path
- 2011 = TEDx talk
- 2017 = Self-published the book The 5 Second Rule (at age 49)
- 2019 = Launched a media production company: 143 Studios (at age 50)
- 2022 = Launched The Mel Robbins Podcast (at age 54)
"You've tied your happiness to other people's behavior, opinions, and feelings. The result? You've unknowingly sabotaged your ability to be happier, healthier, and get what you want."
"If you're struggling to change your life, achieve your goals, or feel happier, I want you to hear this: The problem isn't you. The problem is the power you unknowingly give to other people."
"We all do it, often without realizing it. You make the mistake of thinking that if you say the right thing, everyone will be satisfied...But what happens instead? You work harder, bend further, and shrink yourself smaller, and still, someone is disappointed. Still, someone criticizes. Still, you're left feeling like no matter how hard you try, it's never enough."
"So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations. And the truth is, if somebody else—a person you're dating, a business partner, a family member—if they're not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change. Let Them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just Let Them and then you get to choose what you do next."
"All human beings have a hardwired need for control...But the fact is, there is one thing you will never be able to control. No matter how hard you try, you will never be able to control or change another person. The only person you are in control of is you. Your thoughts, your actions, your feelings."
"Trying to control people and situations doesn't calm your fears. It amplifies them."
"By practicing Let Them and Let Me, you're applying the core principle of Stoicism: Focus on yourself, because that's where your true power lies. Buddhism and Radical Acceptance teach that suffering comes from resisting reality. The pain we feel often stems from wishing things were different than they are."
"You're making an active, empowered choice to release control you never truly had."
"The more you let other people live their lives, the better your life gets."
"It's not what happens to you, but how you react that matters." -Epictetus
"Remember the fundamental law of human nature: You can't control what other people say, think, or do. Anytime you try to, you lose your power. You must learn to focus on what you say, think, or do. That's how you remain in control."
"According to research, work is the #1 cause of life stress for most people—and your manager has as much impact on your mental health as your spouse."
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" -Mary Oliver
- "I don't know what your answer to Mary Oliver's question is, but I do know this: Whatever it is that you plan to do, other people are going to have an opinion about it."
"The truth is, people will have negative opinions about you and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change this fact. When you allow your fear of what other people think to stop you from doing what you want to do, you become a prisoner to other people's opinions."
"What if you gave yourself permission to live your life, and you gave other people permission to think whatever they want about it?"
Public speaking
- "Every business has a formula. Follow it. I say that because one of the things I see people get hung up on all the time is this belief that 'I need to be different.' That is a fancy way to say that you're afraid other people will think that you copied them."
- "Let Them think you copied them. Because you did. And they copied the formula from someone else. Because they did. Formulas exist because they work time and time again."
- 3 Steps to become a successful speaker:
  - 1. "Build a simple website with photos of you on a stage, plus a description of your keynote and the main takeaways."
    1. "Get testimonials from a few event planners at past events you have spoken at and put them on the website."
    1. "And then most important: Start posting about speaking online. Turn your social media into your marketing. Post photos from events. Post content related to your speech."
"Here's another truth: Just because someone has a negative opinion doesn't mean they feel negatively about you as a whole."
"Research shows that most emotions will rise up, and then fall away, within 90 seconds, if you don't react to them."
"Never let someone else's emotional reactions keep you from making the hard decision."
"Our people's emotional reactions are not your responsibility to manage. You cannot control how others feel or respond; nor can you fix their emotional immaturity."